About a week ago, I ended a relationship with a guy I’d been seeing a few times a week for about a month. For the first couple weeks we’d txt almost everyday and we went on a few really great dates. We clicked well and laughed a lot with each other. After a few dates we started kissing and cuddling while watching movies. We were having a fun time together.
But we hadn’t asked any serious questions about each other yet. I wanted to know more about him. If he was looking to be married in the temple to someone someday, things about his past, etc. I just kind of shrugged it off. We talked a lot and I figured I’d just find out the important stuff when a good opportunity came up.
One night we were on a walk and as he was talking he used a strong sware word. I was a little shocked. It didn’t sound like him and it took me a moment to realize what he’d said. I didn’t say anything at the time because I feel it’s better to let guys feel comfortable being themselves around me so I can find out what they’re really like. On the next couple dates I started hearing him curse all the time. Not with anger, just part of his regular flow of speech, sometimes quoting the sware words in movies.
Even more disturbing, he started telling racist jokes. For example, jiving about chinese people’s eye shape a few times. Now that is serious to me. I don’t like to hear racist comments or jokes, EVER. It makes me sick when someone says something that gives the impression they think they are better than another.
Seeing this side of him made me realize I needed to get some answers to my questions right away. By this time these were the only things I’d found seriously wrong, so I confronted him about it. I told him that these things were offending me. While I was at it I also asked him a couple serious questions, like if he had always been chaste and if he was temple worthy.
He said he was sorry and he didn’t usually sware. It was a habit he’d picked up in the military. However, I was still unsettled after the conversation because he’d managed to make me feel better about things, but at the same time he didn’t answer my important questions directly or talk about why he’d told racist jokes. He’d just said he was looking for a good eternal marriage someday too. Nothing else was clearly answered.
After that conversation he’d acted like everything was cool, but stopped txting me everyday. I invited him to Thanksgiving and he blew me off. He’d agreed to hang out one night and never showed up. In the morning I txted him and he said he’d fallen asleep and barely apologized.
One week later was the last straw. He’d agree 3 weeks before and confirmed a week prior to come to a performance of mine. I txted him 3 days before and mentioned it. He told me he wasn’t going to be able to come and acted like he hadn’t known about it. Now I was really frustrated and decided if he couldn’t follow through with what he promised to do, he wasn’t worth my time. I’d agreed 3 weeks prior to go with him to a special dinner he was going to the day after my performance. I didn’t see any reason to keep my word if he wasn’t offering me the same courtesy.
Around that time, in a txting conversation, I randomly asked him why he’d switched jobs and he basically replied, “Because illegal Mexicans were getting paid more than I was, so I decided to get a career that they couldn’t just walk off the street and do.” I was horrified! This man was extremely racist! That wasn’t a joke this time. That was the final straw.
After thinking about all the things that had gone wrong and what kind of a man I was dating, I decided to end it for good. Yes we had some fun, but I was seeing some serious red flags. So I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore.
When I did that he explained to me that he knew we weren’t going to work out when he found out how judgmental I was. He went on to say he was a convert to the church and had a tattoo. He knew once I saw that, I would have dumped him for sure, that’s when he let go.
That was a huge assumption. Having a tattoo is nothing compared to being a racist and not following through with your word. I would not have found a tattoo to be a problem! I didn’t say anything after that, however. The fact that he never once in an entire month mentioned he was a convert to the church showed me that there’s probably a lot more he was hiding from me. Being a convert isn’t a bad thing, so why didn’t I know about it? Were there serious sins he had committed before he’d joined the LDS church? I’d heard enough and had found enough problems to walk away and move on.
This isn’t the first time a guy has accused me of being too judgmental. To me it’s not an issue because in dating you have to judge. We’re talking about a search to eventually find an eternal companion! I could date any and every guy, no questions asked, but I would end up with someone who doesn’t fit me at all! I don’t ever curse, I’m the opposite of racist and when I say I’m going to be somewhere, I’m there. I don’t think being judgmental in dating is a problem at all. It’s necessary. If you don’t judge the men you date, you won’t ever find a good guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.
Dottie's Dating Drama 