How long should I to wait to meet someone I met online?

After doing the online dating scene for over a year now, I only started having some fun dates in the past three months. When I first started I was so worried the guys I was chatting with we’re psycho stalkers who wanted to slit my throat. Once I started meeting the guys I chatted with, I realized that I could trust my intuition.

If I get a bad vibe about someone I’m chatting with, if they say something that makes me uncomfortable, or even if the conversation is just overly boring, I move on and stop talking to him. The trick in online dating is to know when to stop talking with one and move on. Ask serious questions as soon as possible. If you don’t get the answers you want, MOVE ON! There are tons of guys out there who ARE what you’re looking for.

The process is very fast paced, and rightly so. There is no reason to keep talking to anyone if you’re not enjoying it. If you’re talking just to be nice, you’re wasting your energy. The odds are a new guy will come along who is exactly your type, but by then you’ll be exhausted from chatting with the all wrong people and miss out on a fun date or maybe more.

When you do find someone you get a good feeling about, move the relationship to the ‘real world’ as soon as possible. As soon as you reach the point where you can’t learn anything more without meeting in person, DO IT. Wait till he asks or makes hints that he’d like to do something with you and then reply, “Ya, that’d be fun!” By the end of the chat, you’ll have a date set up.

How long do I usually wait to meet? It definitely depends on the guy. There have been a lot of dates I’ve set up after only 2 hours of chatting. It sounds risky, but I don’t chat for longer than 5 sentences with guys who make me uncomfortable in any way. If I am unsure about a guy, I’ll wait more like a week or two. If by then I don’t feel safe enough to meet him somewhere, I stop chatting.

The biggest mistake you can make in online dating is keeping it online too long. No, this is not the movie ‘You’ve Got Mail’. I have heard stories about people who have chatted with someone for two years, then finally met and were married within weeks.

I’m sorry, but this is the real world. When I started the online thing, I thought I would find the man of my dreams, chat with him online for anywhere from 3 months to a year, and then finally meet him in person and feel the magical fireworks explode. Wrongo! On one of my first attempts I kept the relationship online for about 2 months. When I finally met the guy, he turned out to be the shyest guy I’d ever met in my life. Very chatty on the computer, but entirely unconfident and silent in person. Oh boy!

It was a waste of two months. I could have found out what he was really like within a few days, but I kept it online too long. When dating online you can accidently develop a connection with someone based entirely on what they type in a chat box. TRUST ME. This is NOT GOOD.

After going on multiple dates with guys who seemed to be incredibly perfect online and entirely the opposite in person, I have learned it’s best to develop a connection with someone through literally dating them, NOT chatting back and forth for months or even years. You can’t tell anything about the person you are talking to until you MEET THEM IN PERSON. The internet provides a great way to meet new people, not a great way to develop relationships.

Yes, I may have experienced some odd dates through online dating, as my former posts will tell, but just think how horrible it would have been if I had waited an entire month or longer to find out the guy I was chatting with was kitty murderer (Click here to read the post). What a gigantic waste of time!

If you’re just starting to date online, or it just hasn’t been working for you, consider what I’ve said. Since I started doing it this way three months ago, I’ve had multiple dates per week. I’ve met a lot of fun guys, eaten a lot of great free food, and come very close to some serious relationships with 2 or 3 of them.

Move on quickly, meet the people you like chatting with in person as soon as possible. When you do, it’s not even really ‘online dating’ at all. It’s just dating.

Why You Should Open the Door for a Girl

About 8 months ago I had a dinner date with a guy I’d met online. We texted for a while and even had a quick phone call. I could tell he was shy, but that’s not really a bad thing. We set up a time to meet after about two weeks.

I met him at the entrance of the restaurant. I introduced myself and made sure he was the guy I was scheduled to meet. He confirmed he was the one waiting for me, turned around and quickly disappeared through the entrance. I was left standing for a second since he had done it so fast. I reached out and opened the door again since it had closed in my face. He then looked back to make sure I was following him as he went through the second set of doors. The second door almost closed in my face as well.

I picked up the pace to keep up with him, getting only a view of his back as he spoke with a waitress. By this point I was trying to remember what his face had looked like. The waitress picked up two menus and asked him to follow her. He glanced at me again, and without a word followed the waitress. I had to jog a little not to lose him in the crowd of people. I finally reached the table, where he was already seating himself, and the waitress handed us our menus.

Until this date, I had never cared one way or another if a guy held the door open for me. After this juvenile display of leaving me to fend for myself, I have found I do prefer a man who makes sure the girl he is taking to dinner gets properly escorted through the door.

Hug at the end of a First Date?

I went on a short date with a cute guy about two months ago and we seemed to get along well. The conversation over dinner flowed good and I was interested in him. He seemed like a sweet guy who worked hard, yet knew when to play.

It was a fun time, but as dinner went on the click died a bit. I still liked him, but I was feeling that this would be our only date. Just one of those dates that doesn’t go anywhere, if you know what I mean. I could tell he didn’t detest me, he just wasn’t going to put any work into asking me out again.

As he walked me to the door I thought, I don’t think I’ll see him again, but I had a good time. So as we both reached the front step I opened my arms up wide and leaned in to give him a hug. And… he kept walking! He took about five more steps and I, like a fool, figured he didn’t see me step up to hug him, so I kept my arms up for a few more seconds. Finally, I dropped them and thought, wow! Rejected!

Then he suddenly turned and said, “I can do hugs!” He reached out and gave me a firm hug. Afterwords I quickly went inside as he hurried to his car. As expected, I never saw him again.

Dottie’s Dating Clip of the Week

When on a date, it’s always good to ask questions. You never know what the answers will be…

Don’t Wait a Week to Call Back

The old, ‘wait a week to call back’ is just that… OLD. I went on a quick date with a very nice guy two weeks ago. We had a fun time and he mentioned he’d like to take me ice skating. He said he couldn’t this week, but would like to the week after.

I said, “I’d love to, just give me a call and we’ll figure out a day to go.” A whole week and a half goes by. In that time I had a few more dates with a couple different guys and met the guy I mentioned in the last blog. So I’d almost entirely forgotten about this guy. I kind of figured he’d moved on too and wouldn’t be calling back.

I finally got a call from him last Wednesday. He asked me to go ice skating on Friday. The problem was, at that point I’d already agreed to go see the temple lights with a new guy Friday, and the rest of the weekend was filled up with other obligations. So I felt bad but told him I couldn’t go this weekend anymore. If he had called sooner, it would have been fine, but he’d waited to long.

At the same time, I’m not too sad about it not working out, in the two weeks since I met him for a short date, I’ve moved on and don’t see any reason to worry about our second date not working out. He suggested we try again after Christmas, but thats a long time away. I probably won’t ever see him again.

I’m Liking this Guy…

Last Saturday I met a really nice guy. He has an excellent sense of humor, he’s real easy to talk to and he had no problem expressing to me up front that he’s always been chaste and temple worthy. I met him for lunch at Chilis and we had fun. I was a little thrown at how normal he was after my recent dramas with other guys.

So after lunch we agreed to meet again. A day later, he texted me asking when he could see me again, and he had an idea in mind of what we should do already. Ooooh that’s so nice! We went to a star show at The Gateway Mall downtown, got dinner, then wondered around, shopping for a while. He has a lot of energy and I can tell he’s very intelligent. He was very good company and as the night went on, I became completely comfortable around him.

Even before we’d met again for the second date he’d invited me to some see the temple lights with a few of his friends the following Friday. I was excited to see what he was like around people he hung out with all the time. He texted me every day up until a few hours before our next date. Not too much, of course, just fun casual conversation. I enjoyed it.

Friday was our best date yet. He was very playful and teased his friends a lot. It was all smiles and laughs. Much of what I’m used to with my own family, so I felt completely comfortable even though I didn’t know any of these people.

Afterwords we all went to his uncle’s house for hot chocolate and a movie. We watched A Muppet Christmas Carol. He sat close to me and eventually we were cuddling. It was very nice. 🙂 I kissed him on the cheek when I said goodnight and he texted me this morning. This guy is making everything so easy! He’s so much fun and I’m excited to go out with him again.

I hope this lasts for a while, but even if it doesn’t, I’m going to enjoy his company while I can. I can tell he’s a dear son of God who tries to be a good person and make the people around him happy.

A Boyfriend for an Hour

I was seeing this guy for about three weeks back in October and could tell he liked me as much as I liked him. He was funny, we had good conversations, and there was a lot of flirting. I’d asked him in our first conversation if he had a strong testimony and was temple worthy. He said, “I’m way temple worthy!”

He seemed like a really great guy and we’d been out on a handful or great dates. I didn’t see any reason to keep dating other guys when I could see him more often, so I suggested to him we only see each other for a while, just to try it out. He said he’d love to do that and was excited to find out I wanted to as well. We talked about it for a few more minutes and were both excited the other felt the same.

Then an hour went by and I got a txt from him. It was shocking. He completely took back everything he said. He told me he just got out of a serious relationship two months ago and his sister said he should date a lot more girls before committing to just one person.

A week went by and we didn’t talk at all. So I sent him a message saying I’d still like to see him, even if we were seeing other people as well. He agreed and so we started talking again. He asked when he could see me again and I told him Monday would work great. I had a date with two different guys on that night and Saturday, but I didn’t mention that to him.

As we were talking, he mentioned casually that he had a date with another girl tonight. I laughed and said, don’t worry I have a date tonight too. He teased me saying that I’d probably end up making out with the guy. I reminded him that I only kiss when I’m seeing one guy exclusively, so that wouldn’t happen. Then he said, “Maybe someday, I’ll be so lucky.”

I sat there baffled and explained to him again that I already told him I want to see him exclusively. Then he acted all confused and suddenly did a complete 180. He said he wanted to only date me and that he’d love for me to be his girlfriend. I was shocked again! He explained he didn’t know what came over him a week ago. Then he suggested we cancel our dates and just see each other that evening.

I was up for it, and excited to have a boyfriend! So I contacted the two guys I’d set up dates with and went out with my new boyfriend instead. The date was a little boring. We went and saw a bad movie and I felt I was carrying the conversation a lot. By the time we reached my neighborhood on the drive home I was exhausted with keeping up the conversation so I just let the awkward silence take over.

Then, believe it or not, he finally opened his mouth. He told me we aren’t right for each other at all. He said he hasn’t been going to church for a long time and he’s not Temple worthy. He broke up with me, then drove off without walking me to the door.

All I can say is… um no, I have nothing more to say about this. LOL!

I’m racist, but I know you’ll judge me cuz I have a tattoo. Huh?

About a week ago, I ended a relationship with a guy I’d been seeing a few times a week for about a month. For the first couple weeks we’d txt almost everyday and we went on a few really great dates. We clicked well and laughed a lot with each other. After a few dates we started kissing and cuddling while watching movies. We were having a fun time together.

But we hadn’t asked any serious questions about each other yet. I wanted to know more about him. If he was looking to be married in the temple to someone someday, things about his past, etc. I just kind of shrugged it off. We talked a lot and I figured I’d just find out the important stuff when a good opportunity came up.

One night we were on a walk and as he was talking he used a strong sware word. I was a little shocked. It didn’t sound like him and it took me a moment to realize what he’d said. I didn’t say anything at the time because I feel it’s better to let guys feel comfortable being themselves around me so I can find out what they’re really like. On the next couple dates I started hearing him curse all the time. Not with anger, just part of his regular flow of speech, sometimes quoting the sware words in movies.

Even more disturbing, he started telling racist jokes. For example, jiving about chinese people’s eye shape a few times. Now that is serious to me. I don’t like to hear racist comments or jokes, EVER. It makes me sick when someone says something that gives the impression they think they are better than another.

Seeing this side of him made me realize I needed to get some answers to my questions right away. By this time these were the only things I’d found seriously wrong, so I confronted him about it. I told him that these things were offending me. While I was at it I also asked him a couple serious questions, like if he had always been chaste and if he was temple worthy.

He said he was sorry and he didn’t usually sware. It was a habit he’d picked up in the military. However, I was still unsettled after the conversation because he’d managed to make me feel better about things, but at the same time he didn’t answer my important questions directly or talk about why he’d told racist jokes. He’d just said he was looking for a good eternal marriage someday too. Nothing else was clearly answered.

After that conversation he’d acted like everything was cool, but stopped txting me everyday. I invited him to Thanksgiving and he blew me off. He’d agreed to hang out one night and never showed up. In the morning I txted him and he said he’d fallen asleep and barely apologized.

One week later was the last straw. He’d agree 3 weeks before and confirmed a week prior to come to a performance of mine. I txted him 3 days before and mentioned it. He told me he wasn’t going to be able to come and acted like he hadn’t known about it. Now I was really frustrated and decided if he couldn’t follow through with what he promised to do, he wasn’t worth my time. I’d agreed 3 weeks prior to go with him to a special dinner he was going to the day after my performance. I didn’t see any reason to keep my word if he wasn’t offering me the same courtesy.

Around that time, in a txting conversation, I randomly asked him why he’d switched jobs and he basically replied, “Because illegal Mexicans were getting paid more than I was, so I decided to get a career that they couldn’t just walk off the street and do.” I was horrified! This man was extremely racist! That wasn’t a joke this time. That was the final straw.

After thinking about all the things that had gone wrong and what kind of a man I was dating, I decided to end it for good. Yes we had some fun, but I was seeing some serious red flags. So I told him that I didn’t want to see him anymore.

When I did that he explained to me that he knew we weren’t going to work out when he found out how judgmental I was. He went on to say he was a convert to the church and had a tattoo. He knew once I saw that, I would have dumped him for sure, that’s when he let go.

That was a huge assumption. Having a tattoo is nothing compared to being a racist and not following through with your word. I would not have found a tattoo to be a problem! I didn’t say anything after that, however. The fact that he never once in an entire month mentioned he was a convert to the church showed me that there’s probably a lot more he was hiding from me. Being a convert isn’t a bad thing, so why didn’t I know about it? Were there serious sins he had committed before he’d joined the LDS church? I’d heard enough and had found enough problems to walk away and move on.

This isn’t the first time a guy has accused me of being too judgmental. To me it’s not an issue because in dating you have to judge. We’re talking about a search to eventually find an eternal companion! I could date any and every guy, no questions asked, but I would end up with someone who doesn’t fit me at all! I don’t ever curse, I’m the opposite of racist and when I say I’m going to be somewhere, I’m there. I don’t think being judgmental in dating is a problem at all. It’s necessary. If you don’t judge the men you date, you won’t ever find a good guy who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Can I ask if you’re Temply Worthy?

I offended a guy yesterday pretty bad and am still confused as to how. We’d been txting and calling on and off for about a month and a half. Only once or twice a week and he was extremely busy with school so we were having a hard time finding a time to actually meet in person for the first time.

I met him online and he seemed like a nice guy, but within the first couple dates I like to know if the guys I’m dating are temple worthy. It’s important for me to know since if I were to get serious with a guy, he’d have to be. I plan on getting married in the temple someday. Online dating makes it easier most the time since a profile will say right up front if the guy I’m looking at is or not. However, his profile did not.

So yesterday, since we’d been having so much trouble meeting and even getting a hold of each other, I decided to just ask him straight out what I was wondering. I asked him if he was temple worthy, and this is basically the txt I got back:

“You know what? I am temple worthy but I don’t feel like advertising it online. I don’t want to meet you. And that’s really immature for you to ask me in a txt. BYE!”

I was shocked at his angry offended reaction. Why in the world would someone be ashamed to admit they are worthy to enter the temple? This kind of a question is what every LDS person has the right to know about anyone they are dating. I’ve never received this kind of a reaction or offended anyone by asking this question before. Not even from the many guys who have answered, “No, I’m not.”

If I can’t ask important questions, I’ll never find someone who works for me. Neither will he. And I STILL don’t see how it’s a question that someone might find offensive. Especially if they ARE temple worthy.

The Kitty Murderer

When I went out with the cowboy I mentioned in the last blog, I didn’t have too bad of a time overall. I did feel like he was a lot more serious than me in general. He tended to look at me with less respect every time I made a silly comment about the food we were eating or got excited about something. We went to a Brazilian restaurant. Definitely not my favorite since I’m big on bread and don’t consume much meat. But I enjoyed it.

Then we went to see the new Christmas Carol movie with Jim Carrey. It had a lot of hillarious moments and I barely heard a single chuckle come from him while I was laughing out loud a lot.

So by the end of the evening, I was thinking this would be our only date. I was much too goofy for this guy, and he was too serious for me. But since we had a drive home, I kept the conversation flowing as best I could. During an awkward pause I looked out the car window and saw a PetSmart. I mentioned that I visit the cats up for adoption there sometimes just because I love cats so much. He looked at me and said, “Oh so you’re a cat person, huh?”

I said, “Oh yes, I adore cats.”

He paused, then said, “Well then I could offend you with a story about cats.”

Since I wanted to know what in the world that meant I acted totally cool with it and said, “Ya tell me!”

He then went into a whole story about how he grew up on a farm, so they would get loads of stray kittens wondering around the property a lot. Since there was no pound in his area, he and his family would gather up the kittens into sacks, tie them closed and chuck them into a flowing canal.

Holy cow! I couldn’t believe it! He acted totally justified in committing such a barbaric act! I was on a date all this time with a kitty murderer!

The animal conversation continued and he also explained how to properly train any dog or cat to do what you want them to do. If they get out of line, just grab them by the neck and hurl them across the yard.

Oh my gosh! I changed the subject as soon as I could. I was now absolutely sure I didn’t want to see this guy again. I’d hate to hear his methods on child discipline. I can just see a toddler being hurled by the neck across the house. Thank goodness we drove past that PetSmart.